A journal, more or less

Updates

2008-06-12T21:46:46Z

Well, my father lost his job.
And I quit my piano lessons.
Brother Kieran is out of prison.
I had a ticket to go to the St Martin's graduate fashion show tomorrow, but couldn't afford to travel to London. I am however going to apply to a fashion course over the summer which allows 3 of the best people to go and work in London for a three month residency, and offers two exhibitions for everyone else who gets in. I want to do the gold Duke of Edinburgh award and I am allowed to skip the bronze and silver awards. I also attend a writing class every fridy. My art course is now part-time and I have plans of attending a top London art school in a year's time. I think there is nothing so wonderful in life as self-improvement and education.

Cream Tea and Jam Scones

2008-04-07T21:23:58Z

I could in fact go to the bank tomorrow, get out all of my money, and buy as much monochrome 35mm and 120 roll film as I can hope to shoot and develop before it expires, also buy some red velvet to make myself a cape, and some dark blue raw silk to make myself a ghost hunting dress, learn to speak Latin, write stupidly simple piano music, make toys that scare the hell out of people, or even just toys that people will like like cyber bunnies from the moon and bumble bees that have got a bit poorly and I could steal some nasal cannulas and fill them with glitter and the liquid from glowsticks, and have a party with a stupid theme like Victorian Bondage Camels, and I could vacuum the whole house without being asked to so that I'm no longer scared of the noise the vacuum cleaner makes, and I could write a thankyou letter to everyone who gave me a christmas present, and my orthodontist, and that crazy Austrian doctor who cheered me up so much when I had to get stitches, and stick stickers on the letters, and make a cheesecake with some weird ingredient that surprisingly makes it taste even nicer, and start doing all of this right now instead of typing.
But it's late at night and I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow.

Remember what the doormouse said

2008-03-04T15:23:35Z

Liam bought me a new horror survival game. Haunting Ground. It's quite marvellous.
My gran is sick and in hospital, but I live opposite the hospital so I can visit her every night. The hospital staff seem very nice, they even brushed her hair and put a pretty clip in it, and I haven't seen her looking so clean and tidy in years. She keeps trying to escape and she stole loads of tiny children's toys from somewhere and managed to give away her bag with all of her things in it, and she can't talk enough to explain how any of these things happened. Although she did say one sentence, "I'll come with you" when people were leaving. It's so sweet, she seems really happy. She laughs at everything anyone says and rolls her eyes and shakes her head and then grins at me as though I'm the only other sane person left, and we have to tolerate all of the crazy people together. She also thinks Liam is a girl and likes him more than she likes my father (her son in case there was any doubt).
I came up with a plan to paint a potato with liquid emulsion, take a photo of the technician (who has a beard and glasses and looks like god, or maybe a dwarf) and expose the potato through that negative. Because people are always claiming to see god's face in vegetables.

Let's talk about clothes

2008-02-24T18:41:38Z

I love clothes. They make me happy. I got a black and deep pink sort of jacket with lots of ruffles, that most people think is like something Adam and the ants members would wear, only more elegant, but I used to get that a lot anyway when I bound my chest and could fit into my ruffly ruffly shirt and could be bothered to paint eyeliner all over my face.
I also got a white vinyl cuff edged in an excessive amount of lace, with feathered wings and a silver cross and a red rosebud on it, and a detachable matching ring attached with chains. Happy happy valentine's day me.
I would take photographs but I have other things to do. Suffice to say they are beautiful.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

2008-02-04T13:16:27Z

I AM THE OATMEAL AND RAISIN AVENGER!
I wear a rainbow scarf that is so fluffy and cuddley that it instantly neutralises any evil within 20 metres.

Humanid doll and dolly mixtures

2008-02-03T18:01:04Z

I ate a whole bag of dolly mixtures and a whole tube of pringles today. That's over 1000 calories. I feel so sick. I hope I vomit soon so I can get on with eatting nutritious things. I rather want a carrot.

1. I had rather a fabulous time in London. I bought a t-shirt from Cyberdog that magically fits me perfectly. I also bought Kana's newest cd and a black heart-shaped apron.

2. I did a fashion photoshoot with Liam on Thursday, in which he looked spectacular, even Sharon (the photography teacher) agreed, and so I must indeed have learned something in the past two years. With Nada as a stylist; she is Egyptian and has a marvellous sense of style, and a penchant for the 1920s. She's going to dye my hair blonde for me, and have it cut with a nice nostaligic fringe, of the sort that pokes you in both eyes, for

3. my photoshoot in which I have to dress as a doll. She is going to purchase a teaset and actual dolls to accompany me, and be a stylist, as ever.

4. I am realising and coming to accept that I do not stand any real chance at modelling. I am just over an inch too short, and it's too late to grow that much. But I can still make pretty pictures in the mean time.

Ningyou

2008-01-23T19:35:08Z

1. Dave Milne (for Jeni's benefit, Conrad Milne's father, yes, he is my art history and figure distortion teacher) cannot spell. For all of his articulate-ness. Alleagorical is not in any dictionary. Pah, and he calls us illiterate and tells us to read dictionaries. But he is still made of awesome.

2. I am very worried about several people with regards to the quantity and addictivity of the drugs they are taking. But I can't tell them that, because what pisses an addict off the most, is the truth. That even applies to semi-skimmed milk addicts like me. Milk gives me stomach aches and migraines and I still drink a pint a day.

3. MIXED GENDER DORMITORIES AND SCHOOL TRIPS ARE FUN!

4. I haven't washed in two days. I'm wearing two pairs of boy's underwear, neither of which are mine, and which also unfortunately belong to two different people, and one has been worn by five people in the past. This teaches us the importance of forward-planning and not playing with breakable items such as eggs.

Drugs and porn and cucumber sandwiches

2008-01-18T22:47:49Z

Today I shot a set of Esme for Suicide Girls. I hate Suicide Girls. But I would, and frequently do, do anything for that girl. We ate chicken and cucumber sandwiches, watched a dvd about Man Ray.. then she got ready which was the most entertaining thing I've ever seen as it involved putting foundation on genitals and snorting like a hog in that evil way of hers.. then we set up the set, took nicely-composed pictures.. took better and more sponteaneous pictures with the aid of not-so-legal substances.. I went home very much exhausted.

Update: She didn't like the set in the end and deleted it, but we have since done a still better one.

YAAAYYYYYYY

2007-12-18T10:19:26Z

My friend Iris is coming to visit me from the Netherlands over Christmas. I'm so excited!
She is coming on the 23rd and leaving on the 28th. I have to go and set up my room. My dad bought my bed yesterday and I already have bedding. I'll put it up this evening, and try to sort out all of the things we will need for photoshoots. Also need to buy sellotape so I can finish wrapping her presents. SO EXCITED!

Going mad or maybe seeing the light

2007-11-19T00:33:09Z

You know, life without hobos, heroin addicts, convicted murder-attempters, art previews, hospital visits, diy hair-cutting, hating someone as much as you love them, etc, is really fucking boring.

Holiday Wishes

2007-11-16T21:38:17Z

If fishes were wishes, I would be Jesus, and would feed the 5000.
But as wishes are in fact wishes, I am off to grant them. I love christmas cheer.

Far Away

2007-10-28T12:09:57Z

I love my Nikon D40x.

Haruka by ~Velvet-penguin on deviant ART

And please look at my other photographs in the previous entry and tell me what you think ^^

Everything you ever dreamed of is beyond that cloud

2007-10-22T20:11:21Z

The door of opportunity is ajar.

And oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, I'm afraid to knock.

But knock I shall.

Wish me luck.

Cold Water

2007-10-02T19:43:40Z

-hugs Von, someone else's teddy bear-

Updates

2007-08-26T13:21:54Z

I went to see Dir en grey. Twice. They rocked.

I got some awesome clothes. Melissa bought me a top and Liam bought me a skirt and I bought trousers and another top, from a Japanese shop in Camden.

I've also more recently bought more clothes, because all of mine have decided to fall apart (all of the tiny holes and missing stitches that I usually tie or safety pin up have grown and grown and now the damn things won't stay on at all) at the same time. So I've got two pairs of hello kitty pajamas, a pink stripey sticky-out skirt, a blue cheongsam top, red tartan drainpipes and pink doctor martens that I bought yesterday.

I accquired a lovely Pentax K1000 complete with extra macro and zoom lenses, plus skylight and polarising filters, courtesy of the lovely Liam, who is also giving me a lovely PS2. Apparently it belonged to his ex, but since I only met her once (at least I think it was her), shrieked and asked her if I could marry her pink hair, and she laughed embarrassedly and said no, I do not feel guilty. I rather resent people like that, who look as though they might be very interesting, but are actually very boring and normal.

And got accepted to study foundation art at Mandela building, Newcastle college. They ticked every box in my interview report. I don't have to pay, although I've spent £40 on materials already. I start on Tuesday.

I passed all my A levels. A A B B B. Okasan has apparently been telling everyone that I failed because I didn't attend college often enough, and am resitting this year, and live in a youth hostel. But then she probably did hear everything about me third or fourth hand. She has redecorated the house very nicely, using the £10,000 she stole from my university funds. Update: I got the money back at last!

Oh, and I finally stole the plug. Hahahaha. I thought I could steal some money or something, but that would not be a nice thing to do. It would be for personal gain rather than vengence, plus I believe that stealing is wrong. I only found one plug that was not chained in, but that is now sitting in my box of props.

Me and Liam are still together. I am moving into his house today. He also got into art school, but with a conditional offer.

My dad has found a nice house though, it is cream with red windows, and is putting in an offer for it on Tuesday, so I will probably move in to that soon.

Plugplugplug

2007-07-30T18:06:58Z

I was just thinking. Now that I've packed up all of my belongings and left home completely, I missed an awesome opportunity for vengeance.

I wish I had stolen all of the plugs in the house. So no one could run a bath or fill the sink. And they'd have to go out and buy new plugs for EVERYTHING. And it would be so great.

Also, by the by, Newcastle College are bastards who say they will give you a formal interview and make you feel special, then say you should just come along to an enrolment day. Portfolios are hard to carry. D: Mine is bigger than me due to the canvasses and scrolls.

Off I go to London

2007-07-30T16:11:00Z

I'm going to go and see Dir en grey.

Twice.

That's two times.

Two consecutive days.

The 1st of August.

And again on the 2nd.

So I get to attend two lives.

In shitty outfits but ah well, we're not meeting them.

But we are seeing them.

Hahahaha take that bitches.

Off I go to London. If I don't come back, blame Liam and Melissa for not keeping me on a leash.

Byebye x

Comeuppance

2007-07-25T14:41:31Z

I knew you can only hold a world together with ribbons, safety pins and sticking plasters for so long. I wanted to deny it though.

Today is my Birthday

2007-07-20T17:21:45Z

I am 18.

Now that I am 18 I can be photographed naked and drink alcohol.

But I'm not going out drinking, I'm going out eatting oriental food!

I got some awesome presants. Heather and Rose's family are so kind! Adam (the seven year old brother) got me some sweets and a photography magazine. And there's a big banner in the front room, and I have a chocolate cake and a helium filled balloon. Heather gave me a green silk photoalbum with some ancient photos I thought I'd never see again. Rose gave me a pair of jeans, I think she'd like me to dress more normally.

Liam took me to my favourite Japanese restaurant and bought me a colouring book. Update: he also bought me a skirt.

My dad is going to buy me a camera. ^^

I'll post photos of my presants and such when I actually have the camera. I am still drooling over the Nikon D40x. I don't know if he will agree to getting me it though.

Lately

2007-07-13T01:12:39Z

Liam has the DVD and photos back from the runway modelling. There is only one clear-ish photo of me. But I do look like a professional model in it. I even have alarming cheekbones.

Jonjon is going away to smoke pot in a field, so no one will keep us up all night practicing Miyavi's guitar technique.

Either Jonjon or Kieran has got cum on my futon. Or the female equivalent.. is there even a word for that? But anyway, it's a nice crusty white stain. To be honest, living in such a debauched little room has its charms. The cum is not one of them, but the giant pile of cuddly toys you can jump into, and the endless stacks of cds, and the whole having some sort of family thing, are.

Gary Numan is God, I have decided.

Nikon Nikon Nikon Nikon

2007-07-02T13:53:14Z

I stayed at Liam's house over the weekend. Of course, being the masochist that he is, when he was drunk he paid Kieran £1 to punch him in the face. He now has a broken nose and two black eyes. He filled a bowl with the blood, added vodka and drank the entire thing. We have it on video, and you can hear me freaking out in the background, because as much as I love blood, nose injuries freak me out. It probably didn't help that Liam kept clicking his nose cartilige back into place which made the most gruesome of sounds.
That was about the most interesting thing to happen. I am now trying to get a job. On Wednesday I have an interview for getting onto the art diploma I want to study next year.
It's my birthday on the 20th of July and I have decided I would like to go to pizza hut and have a party. When I was 4 I had a party at pizza hut and they were going to let me make a pizza myself. But I declined and gave the opportunity to someone else, I think her name was Elizabeth, then I wanted to do it and it was too late, and I still feel bitter about this now. So I want another pizza hut party to make amends. I also really want a camera. A really good digital camera, 10 megapixels, with different shooting modes and a delay option. Or an SLR with adjustable aperture and such, and plenty of reels of black and white film, and a fisheye lens. My dad's rather too busy and poor to get me a camera right now however, so I am hoping that he might buy me one to celebrate my birthday and exam results combined. I want a camera so I can make arts damnit!

I are a fucking model

2007-06-28T21:43:06Z

I rock.
I am so going to get stretched on a rack of some sort and grow another 2 and a half inches so that I can be a mainstream runway model.
I can walk elegantly and quickly on fiberglass in 6 inch stillettoes, despite what I dreaded.
Hopefully I'll be able to get some photos from the event. If nothing else, I'll email the other models and ask if they have any candids.

Liam

2007-06-24T00:05:49Z

I don't want to wear normal jeans and I don't want someone 'much better looking'. Other people don't wear girl's underwear and make-up and care about your feelings so and they don't like cool music and have cool adopted brothers like Jonjon and Kieran and frankly they all suck. So those of you who think me and Liam are shit together can go and fuck yourselves. As cliched as it is, I despise people who are obsessed with normality, and while yes I'm not the most outlandish person you'll ever meet, and yes my friends are perfectly happy to be my friends despite my oddities, the fact remains that they are not accepting me for who I am as they should, because they keep trying to tweak me. If a boy tries to look like a girl should he be unnattractive? If someone isn't wearing clothes fashionable in that era should you avoid being seen with them? If my brothers are criminals should I just abandon them like everyone else has? It's frustrating that being open-minded and fair, something so basic, and that so many people rant about and campaign for, is still so rare to find in entirity.

Yesterday I stayed at Liam's house and we smashed up his pc cabinet by throwing it down the stairs. Then Kieran stair-surfed on a piece of board which inevitably ended in injury. Also in broken stairs. There are big pieces of wood missing. His mother doesn't mind though. She bought me white chocolate, mmm. And we made my futon at last. It woke up the neightbours at 3 am and they came round to complain. But we finished it this morning. and I ended up sleeping in Jonjon's futon as he was at his prom and then sleeping in a field.
Liam has graffitied "EtVert Aishiteru" in big letters on the side of his house. It's a shame that he doesn't have any talent for graffitti. I get called Edward in a German accent a lot.
I just watched the One Piece christmas special. I can't remember what happened at all though. Except that there were mochi. I don't like mochi. I had them once. The conistency reminded me of testicles and the flavour reminded me of paper soap.

hakuchou_kaoru @ 2007-06-21T23:48:00

2007-06-21T23:14:06Z

Dear God

I realise you don't exist, or you may exist but not in that self-contradictory Christian sense, or we have absolutely no way of knowing about your existence, or maybe we do, but that's all a matter of philosophy, and I am sick of revising for my philosophy exams tomorrow. I have decided to get an A and that's that.

So anyway, I'm just writing to ask you a few questions. Since I left home I've been learning all sorts of new things, and sometimes it's difficult to make sense of them. So, here they are.

Why do beds become crypts you never want to get out of?
Why do some people leave the milk in the sun for four hours per day?
And why do they then wonder why it goes off before the best before date?
Why do fridges vibrate?
Why does Edward-fishing with a belt actually work?
Why do I have to be short and need to wear heels on the runway?
Why do the insides of people's noses taste like salt?
Actually, why do most bodily fluids taste like salt?
Why is Ikea such a fun outing?
Why do people fall in love?
What is that song that goes "and the pills that your mother gives you don't do anything at all"?
Why have a put on only 6 lbs in the weeks since I started eatting again?
Why does being hurt and confused feel so reassuring instead of bad?

Please use anyone as your medium to answer any questions you feel like God.

And now I must impart some of the wisdom I have learned.

Are you ready for it?

The wisest thing anyone can tell you, is that "it's okay".

When your father shoots your mother in the face. When your grandparents kick you out in the middle of your gcses. When your mother steals £10,000 from you. When you are diagnosed with severe emotional issues. When you are a human railway. It's allllll okay.

In fact, it's better than okay. It's fucking amazing.

Thankyou God, on behalf of this entire twisted world I'm falling into.

As for yesterday

2007-06-10T22:24:18Z

Fuck that.

I found a better 5 words for it.

And you found a better 3.